Wednesday, April 26, 2017

That Thing: This sh*t hurts!

(Disclaimer/Edit (Pt 1))That title line? Doesn't fit with what is said below? The mention of GOD? well, that's why that one letter is blotted out. It get's the point across without the actual word being "said". I curse a bit throughout, but usually, because it helps accentuate what I feel in that moment I was writing it. That was the best word for that moment and I won't change it! Now, on to the reason for this message)

(Disclaimer/Edit (pt 2)) Yes, I added some edits here after I typed the initial stuff below, just so I can give you a tad bit more information before you start reading.You may read some parts as angry and, well, I am, but don't read more anger into it that may actually be in some parts, just take some parts as being blunt...hurt...even frustrated....I guess you'll have to use your own discretion. This time, you can read on, no more disclaimers, well, maybe towards the end down there..

When for so long, you avoided THAT ONE THING...then, over the last few years...God puts that thing on your accept it, just to have it snatched because of someone else's nonsense...then you go back to thinking, welp, maybe not, I'm CONTENT or HAPPY with the way things are... just to have that thing pop up again about 6 months later..mostly in dreams, again (which is usually when/how he puts it on my heart)...but sometimes, in watching things around you...but still hold back because fear and insecurity tells you NO and/or, you don't deserve it..

Although God says otherwise...

Now, let's jump forward to off an on this last year....but especially these last few months..then over the last couple of find yourself excited because you start "daydreaming" and even dreaming at night about what you fear the most (that fear begins to relax a bit)...Then, reality hits again...then fear hits again...then insecurity hits again....then depression tries to take over (and sometimes succeeds). You can't nor will you talk about it with anyone...You try to hide your tears....doing well so far (well, until I just admitted it)....So many reasons I have those many reasons I have those hard to let go...

Why? Because I get reminded pretty regularly. Either over thinking, or seeing things that make those things pop up.

Even though God says: "Baby, you're not what you think you are, you're not what people said you are, especially that negative mess that pops up! And even those good things that you know about you? Or those former good things about you, that you allowed others to tell you otherwise, then began to believe it yourself? You ARE so much more than THAT too! And why do you keep opening your mouth to PEOPLE anyway? That was US!" But I felt I had to share it because I was so excited, just to have it knocked out of me again because I talked about it.

The human in me fights against what God says even though I know better and I bring a lot on myself because of it (Insert His Grace here please).

I have never cried so much as I have over the last year...

Why? Because I've had no other choice but to feel it...I quit smoking...I started on anti depressants....the quitting made me stop pushing down my emotions...and the anti depressants HELPED make them FEEL even more raw...and without my anchor (cigarettes/black & mild's)...I either cry, or, I lose my damn mind! And majority of the time, I only begin to cry when I feel like I am about to lose my damn mind!

Do I need or want pity? No! What would be the point?.....Exactly!

This is a battle I have been fighting ALL my life...and most of that battle...has been MINE to fight...on my own! With no one but God! And yes, majority of the time, he whispers me through it...And even then, I can sometimes feel alone....heartbroken....hurt...angry....unloved...unworthy....

But then, when He gets silent?...Even in worship?....all those feelings mentioned above, and more, get even stronger/worse....And when you are already feeling wounded beyond what you feel you can take it...and then they intensify? Can we say...I feel like I'm in agony?

Many times, even with my meds now....I find myself not wanting to get out of bed....let alone leave the apartment. I get up with a vengeance, to be knocked down a week later sometimes even a couple days later (yeah, this is more lately)!

All of this? Started from THAT ONE THING creeping up...especially lately..which brought up every damn thing else!

Now don't get me wrong, I feel all those negative feelings a lot..even without THAT ONE THING popping up...but THAT ONE THING, popped it up this time...Because of how desperately I have been wanting THAT ONE THING over the last couple weeks...and THAT ONE THING has intensified more and more when I begin to realize my reality in that one thing.

The only two things, well three, that keep me going most times? My sons...and God!

And God gave me those boys because He knew, I'd have days like this (even though my babies were out of wedlock, he knew I'd need them as much as they needed me..he knew I needed an anchor but he blessed me with TWO)...

And he knew I'd have much, much darker days...Days I thought I'd want to take my life!

I keep cursing, but bring up God, but I do believe & know he knows how much his baby is hurting...and bites down a lot...and many days...I am okay...but I am tired of just being okay! I am tired of THAT THING popping up to have it knocked down for one reason or another...I am tired of those insecurities....

I am tired of not knowing where I can turn...When it feels like prayer and worship isn't enough...

But I trust NO ONE to be able to talk to them...I trust NO ONE...To be able to cry on their shoulder....I trust NO ONE...To...NOT.TELL.MY.BUSINESS.

So what do I do?

I hold it!

I bite it!

I pray until I get too frustrated and angry to pray..then I pray some more! I don't worship as much as I used to...but sometimes, especially since moving to where I am...I felt it just didn't do much for the situation...

Yes, I felt better...for a while...and that's the point, I know...but dangit, I needed answers! Not just to feel better! (See the bitterness creeping in!?! Yeah, I got there...many times..I am able to battle through most of it..but some is still there).

God knows I love him...I work my tail off to trust him....And I do...a heck of a lot more than I used to, but not as much as I should sometimes...but, I don't take as much into my own hands as I used to...but that fear and insecurities keep me from reaching out too (for the things he wants me to do)...which I know can make things worse too

Again...all of this is spilling out because this last week & a half to two weeks...THAT THING has popped up...I want to reach....God, do I want to reach and have it there....I keep asking where is it? Is this what I should look for? I know this would be great!


May not be what you're thinking...So, don't assume, as much as you'd like to.....

And definitely...DO.NOT.ASK.


Because chances are, I will tell you, none of your business....and/or that is between me and my God.


Because I don't need any more discouragement in my life. I've had enough of that.

When I bring things up, sometimes, I get people who say they love me, tell me WHY I SHOULDN'T..

So, I'm done talking to those people (people period, unless God has lead me to it)...and I rarely do.

Plus, I don't like [overly] judgmental/critical people and as I get older, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with that and wanting to shout: SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY! GEEZ!..

but I don't..

I just find myself pulling further and further away from those people...

which does what?

Isolate me more than I already am! I find my impatience with things are shifting.

Where I just never had patience for waiting, well, that has increased a bit more, especially over the last, well, near 5 years (my patiently waiting is a TAD bit better, struggle with it still, but I do notice a small difference).

Living where I do, has taught me that.

Even though a different type of impatience creeps up..I've learned to bear a lot that I never thought I could before, but I also realized, the things I used to tolerate in others, or even found in myself....?


So, I started trying to shift my own priorities, my life and begin to boot those who don't shift with me & that I feel do me more harm than good. Some, I haven't booted yet because, well, if I do, sigh....well, I guess that'll come when it's time because I can feel it coming...but it's not quite time yet...even though many times, I have wanted to so many times because I am tired of the things I see/notice.....but then I get a: NOT YET! WAIT!! (And even when it's time, if it comes, I know I am not to completely cut)

Oh, what was I saying? Oh yeah, why I don't tell people, I digress and move on...

I don't tell people things I find TRULY important. When I don't want people knowing my business beyond that one person I told (or thought about telling)? I don't open my mouth! If I want to talk about it....I put it out public...Most times...On Facebook. But even then, what you see...may only be .00001% of what is REALLY going on (and I may have been dealing with it for WEEKS or even MONTHS before I even said anything at all)

Now...back to doing what I know God has been telling me to do (I keep getting off track).

Get up. Fight. Work. Fix You. Look to ME!



Yep. They're there....They'll trip me up...until they can't any more...or becomes few and far between.

And well....THAT THING....I pray that what I am seeing, day dreams and dreams at night...God is showing me what I need, want, desire, would love to have and pray that I get and more beyond what I can ever even imagine and have been in imagining (all in nothing but the positive of course!)!

One day!

Sooner rather than later but not before I'm ready and not before THAT THING and OTHER THINGS are ready to receive me! (again, do NOT assume you know what THAT or OTHER THINGS MIGHT be off base...and if you want to that part again about it being none of your business. This is MY vent and release..I do it how I CHOOSE!)

My Healing begins & Continues:
What helps me with the healing. Especially when I feel I need to do it. God calls me to turn certain songs on or go to my specific Pandora 'station' that I just need to hear him, cry, whatever I need to do. These are just a few.



I love his whole CD but this song and at least one other one, is always being replayed, according to what I need in that moment. I needed Kevin Ross in my life...I had heard of his CD earlier this year, but didn't listen to it all right away, but, when it was time for me to hear it, I was sucked in & it has not let me go yet!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The Bane Chronicles (T.M.I. and T.I.D. Companion)- Various Authors

This is the bind up for #1-11 Novellas/Short Stories of Magnus' Story throughout his life.
Many stories, I may just have ratings for, some, I may do "My Thoughts" on (some longer than others).

(Various Authors: Cassandra Clare, Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson)

Series/Trilogy/Stand-Alone, etc: Novellas/Short Stories bind up
Release Date11/11/14
Page Count507
Genre(s): Young Adult, Fantasy, Magic
Date(s) Read: 4/6/17-4/12/17
Rating: [Overall]      Book: 4/5         Audio: 4.5/5


What Really Happened In Peru by Cassandra Clare and Sarah Rees Breenan

💥BOOK:  3/5                          

💥AUDIO: 4/5                                                      💥Read by: Jesse Williams

Magnus was taking Churango lessons and he was horrendous. Imasu (the person training him) was finally honest with him and for me, it was the funniest reaction when he finally told him how horrible he actually was:

".....When you play, all of my mother's flowers lose the will to live and expire on the instant. the quinoa has no flavor now. The llamas are migrating because of your music, and the llamas are not a migratory animal. The children now believe there is a sickly monster, half horse and half large mournful chicken, that lives in the lake and calls out to the world to grant it the sweet release of death. The townspeople believe that you and I are performing arcane magic rituals-." (page 27)

I cracked up so hard at that. LOL...

Although I did like the story a lot, I found the ending rather annoying.


The Runaway Queen by C. Clare & M. Johnson

💥 BOOK: 3/5

💥 AUDIO: 4/5                                                       💥Read by: George Blagdon

It was good, but not amazing. I just felt like something was missing. Too rushed. 


Vampires, Scones and Edmund Herondale by C. Clare and S.R. Brennan

💥 BOOK: 2.5/5 

💥AUDIO: 4/5                                                        💥Read by: Andrew Scott

I didn't have a lot of interest in this one. I kept zoning out when listening to the audio. I couldn't tell you a whole lot except a girl, a demon, meetings, scones and a hungry mermaid in a tank. Oh, love and changing. 


The Midnight Heir by C. Clare and S.R. Brennan

💥BOOK: 4.5/5

💥AUDIO: 4.5/5                                                        💥Read by: David Oyelowo

It was good to catch up with a few Shadow-Hunters and their families from T.I.D. And even some not so wonderful Shadow-Hunters and where they "ended up". I wanted a little more detail on the Herondale children and I got that. 


The Rise of the Hotel Demort by C. Clare and M. Johnson

💥 BOOK:  4/5

💥 AUDIO:  5/5                                                                💥Read by: Stephen Lunsford
I enjoyed this one as well. Grateful that the last couple of stories got better and not worse. I do think the narrators helped a lot. Not that the other narrators weren't good, they did help me get through the other stories, but I think sometimes, the narrators can make a story better. 


Saving Raphael Santiago by C. Clare and S.R. Brennan

💥 BOOK: 5/5 

💥 AUDIO: 5/5                                                             💥Read by: Michael Triveno

Now, I finally know what Raphael meant by Magnus saving him before. This one is another good one. 


The Fall of the Hotel Dumort by C.Clare and M. Johnson

💥 BOOK:  4.5/5

💥 AUDIO: 3/5                                                                 💥Read by: Cecil Baldwin

The narrator was really good, I just don't think his voice fit this story. Maybe more sci-fi, thriller/horror/suspense? I don't know, but I just wasn't feeling it for this particular type of story. Not a bad thing, not at all, I do love the tone of his voice though. This is another story that I did enjoy, a lot, although I did find myself losing focus sometimes, but that's mostly because I was doing other things that would take my focus away from it. When I would come back to it mentally, I was able to still figure out what was going on. 

A part of the story that made me giggle a bit: "....We are supposed to get pizza, not do the nasty."-Catarina (page 343). I just got a kick out of it because I don't hear "doing the nasty" as much as I used to. I guess those of us in our 30's, 40's+ used to hear it a lot throughout the 80's and 90's but not so much today. So, when I hear it, I crack up because it's such an "old" way of saying certain things. lol


What to Buy the Shadowhunter Who Has Everything (And Who You're Not Officially Dating Anyway) by C. Clare and S.R. Brennan

💥 BOOK: 4/5

💥 AUDIO: 5/5                                                                  💥Read by:  Jordan Gavaris (Loved his                                                                                                        reading within the first couple pages!)                    
Caroline Connor was an annoying, outspoken entitled brat who I did not like very much at all. Thankfully, she didn't get a whole lot of time in the story or that may have knocked it down some more if Magnus hadn't told her about herself by the end of their dealing with each other! I did love the vulnerability Magnus showed in this story when it came to Alec. Let me know he wasn't as well put together as he tries to make himself seem. Not that he isn't a strong person, but he is a strong person who finally showed his 'weaknesses' as well. 


The Last Stand of the New York Institute by C. Clare, S.R. Brennan, and M. Johnson

💥 BOOK: 5/5

💥 AUDIO:  5/5                                                                      💥Read by: Jamie Bamber                       
As always, Magnus being Magnus, made me laugh and shake my head. He is just too much for me sometimes. There isn't much more for me to say that hasn't been said when it comes to getting more details on certain stories. So, I won't repeat all of that again. :-)


The Course of True Love (And First Dates) by C. Clare, S.R. Brennan & M. Johnson

💥 BOOK: 4/5

💥 AUDIO: 5/5                                                                  💥Read by: Gareth David-Lloyd               

I love the narrators voice. He speaks softly but you can still hear the deepness of his voice with a slight accent. Again, I got busy and tuned some things out, but pretty much could figure out what was going on when I tuned back in. And, I can always find that part of the story again to read the part I think I missed (maybe a paragraph or so). 

The Voicemail of Magnua Bane by C. Clare, S.R. Brennan and M. Johnson

💥 BOOK: 5/5
💥 AUDIO: 5/5                                                💥Read by: Seth Numrich & Molly C. Quinn  

Okay, this one was the most hilarious of all the novellas! I kind of figured I would like it and looked forward to this one the most. I got all I expected and more out of it! Isabelle? We all know how Isabelle can be when she is being her mean, protective self, but to hear her voice her frustrations on voicemail and/or trying to think of different ways to get Magnus to answer or come around or just period! She had me cracking up with almost every voicemail and of course, shaking my head. Raphael's message was one of the best, especially the intro line to the message! Of all the novellas/short stories, this is of course, my favorite! 

(All book cover photos are from unless otherwise "stated")

Thursday, April 6, 2017

The Cinderella Story (Under Suspicion #2) by Mary Higgins Clark

Series/Trilogy/Stand-Alone, etc: Series
Release Date: November 18, 2014
Page Count: 320
Edition: Hardcover
Genre(s): Mystery, Fiction, Thriller, Suspense
Date(s) Read: 3/29/17-4/6/17
Rating: Audio: 4/5  Book: 3/5

My Thoughts||Audio||Read by: Jan Maxwell

I can say that I enjoyed the audio more than the book. Mostly because I liked the narrator. She made it a lot easier to get through the rest of the book. I didn't get the audio until I had read at least 70 pages or so. I was starting to struggle to get through the book (as been my norm with many books lately because I have gotten so spoiled by being able to listen to books while doing what I need to do). For me personally, I do believe she did a really good job.

My Thoughts||Book:

Although I am enjoying the books and I love the characters, I find myself getting frustrated because I tend to figure out the suspect fairly early (at least 3-5 chapters too early/before they even begin to start pointing in that direction).

I do plan on continuing to read the books, I am unsure how many other books I will read outside of this series because of what I mentioned above. Right now, it's kind of early for me to say a definite yes or no on this and I very well may try just to see if any of her other books outside of this series are the same way (I hope not).

I also found myself figuring out who it wasn't fairly early on as well. I believe I figured out who it wasn't within the first 100 pages or so. Right around 150-200 pages in, I pretty much had a good idea 'Whodunit' and the possible why (I was close, but there was a twist to it). But I now wish I had written down the details of when I figured out who I thought had done it and why, as well as who I knew hadn't done it. Maybe if/when I go onto the last two books, I will try to remember to write down when I start figuring stuff out so I can put a definite on when I "knew" who it was or wasn't.

The next two books in the series are:
All Dressed In White
The Sleeping Beauty Murder

I did see All Dressed in White when I went book shopping last week, but because I forgot my Kindle at home, I couldn't look up the books. So, next time, I know to take my Kindle to make sure I remember what I'm looking for with this series.

(all book cover photos taken from unless otherwise stated)

I've Got You Under My Skin (Under Suspicion #1) by Mary Higgins Clark

Series/Trilogy/Stand-Alone, etc: Series
Release Date: April 1, 2014
Page Count: 303
Edition: Hardcover
Genre(s):Mystery, Fiction, Adult Fiction, Thriller, Suspense, Contemporary
Date(s): Read: 2/27/17-3/27/17
Rating: 4/5

My Thoughts:
It took me this long to read it because I just wasn't wanting to read. I wasn't in a slump, I just wanted to do other things (t.v./hulu, kindle games, computer game, etc).

This is the first book I have read by Mary Higgins Clark. I do now understand why she is popular, She is a good writer.

I came across this book only because I saw The Cinderella Murder first when I was ordering books from Thriftbooks. It wasn't until I went to look it up (don't remember what made me look it up on goodreads), I noticed that it said it was book two, in a series of four books. When I read a comment to read this one first to get a better understanding of what took place in The Cinderella Murder, I went ahead and ordered this one.

When I found The Cinderella Murder, I had no intention of starting another series, and of course, I thought it was a stand-alone. But, I did enjoy I've Got You Under My Skin enough to go right into The Cinderella Murder (my thoughts coming soon).

This book does follow two different 'mysteries': (1) The killing of her husband (this is in the summary) and (2) the murder that the show [Under Suspicion] is centered around. The Whodunit in the #2, I kind of began suspecting them kind of immediately, but had my doubts, at first. Then, as the story went on, it became more evident (which is a trend I noticed in both books but more about that later).

I do love all of the characters, but especially Dad (Leo), Laurie (Main Character) and Timmy (Laurie's son). I love how close they all are and will do whatever it takes to protect each other.

(all book cover photos taken from unless otherwise stated)

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