(Disclaimer/Edit (pt 2)) Yes, I added some edits here after I typed the initial stuff below, just so I can give you a tad bit more information before you start reading.You may read some parts as angry and, well, I am, but don't read more anger into it that may actually be in some parts, just take some parts as being blunt...hurt...even frustrated....I guess you'll have to use your own discretion. This time, you can read on, no more disclaimers, well, maybe towards the end down there..
When for so long, you avoided THAT ONE THING...then, over the last few years...God puts that thing on your heart...you accept it, just to have it snatched because of someone else's nonsense...then you go back to thinking, welp, maybe not, I'm CONTENT or HAPPY with the way things are... just to have that thing pop up again about 6 months later..mostly in dreams, again (which is usually when/how he puts it on my heart)...but sometimes, in watching things around you...but still hold back because fear and insecurity tells you NO and/or, you don't deserve it..
Although God says otherwise...
Now, let's jump forward to off an on this last year....but especially these last few months..then over the last couple of weeks...you find yourself excited because you start "daydreaming" and even dreaming at night about what you fear the most (that fear begins to relax a bit)...Then, reality hits again...then fear hits again...then insecurity hits again....then depression tries to take over (and sometimes succeeds). You can't nor will you talk about it with anyone...You try to hide your tears....doing well so far (well, until I just admitted it)....So many reasons I have those fears...so many reasons I have those insecurities...so hard to let go...
Why? Because I get reminded pretty regularly. Either over thinking, or seeing things that make those things pop up.
Even though God says: "Baby, you're not what you think you are, you're not what people said you are, especially that negative mess that pops up! And even those good things that you know about you? Or those former good things about you, that you allowed others to tell you otherwise, then began to believe it yourself? You ARE so much more than THAT too! And why do you keep opening your mouth to PEOPLE anyway? That was US!" But I felt I had to share it because I was so excited, just to have it knocked out of me again because I talked about it.
The human in me fights against what God says even though I know better and I bring a lot on myself because of it (Insert His Grace here please).
I have never cried so much as I have over the last year...
Why? Because I've had no other choice but to feel it...I quit smoking...I started on anti depressants....the quitting made me stop pushing down my emotions...and the anti depressants HELPED make them FEEL even more raw...and without my anchor (cigarettes/black & mild's)...I either cry, or, I lose my damn mind! And majority of the time, I only begin to cry when I feel like I am about to lose my damn mind!
Do I need or want pity? No! What would be the point?.....Exactly!
This is a battle I have been fighting ALL my life...and most of that battle...has been MINE to fight...on my own! With no one but God! And yes, majority of the time, he whispers me through it...And even then, I can sometimes feel alone....heartbroken....hurt...angry....unloved...unworthy....
But then, when He gets silent?...Even in worship?....all those feelings mentioned above, and more, get even stronger/worse....And when you are already feeling wounded beyond what you feel you can take it...and then they intensify? Can we say...I feel like I'm in agony?
Many times, even with my meds now....I find myself not wanting to get out of bed....let alone leave the apartment. I get up with a vengeance, to be knocked down a week later sometimes even a couple days later (yeah, this is more lately)!
All of this? Started from THAT ONE THING creeping up...especially lately..which brought up every damn thing else!
Now don't get me wrong, I feel all those negative feelings a lot..even without THAT ONE THING popping up...but THAT ONE THING, popped it up this time...Because of how desperately I have been wanting THAT ONE THING over the last couple weeks...and THAT ONE THING has intensified more and more when I begin to realize my reality in that one thing.
The only two things, well three, that keep me going most times? My sons...and God!
And God gave me those boys because He knew, I'd have days like this (even though my babies were out of wedlock, he knew I'd need them as much as they needed me..he knew I needed an anchor but he blessed me with TWO)...
And he knew I'd have much, much darker days...Days I thought I'd want to take my life!
I keep cursing, but bring up God, but I do believe & know he knows how much his baby is hurting...and bites down a lot...and many days...I am okay...but I am tired of just being okay! I am tired of THAT THING popping up to have it knocked down for one reason or another...I am tired of those insecurities....
I am tired of not knowing where I can turn...When it feels like prayer and worship isn't enough...
But I trust NO ONE to be able to talk to them...I trust NO ONE...To be able to cry on their shoulder....I trust NO ONE...To...NOT.TELL.MY.BUSINESS.
So what do I do?
I hold it!
I bite it!
I pray until I get too frustrated and angry to pray..then I pray some more! I don't worship as much as I used to...but sometimes, especially since moving to where I am...I felt it just didn't do much for the situation...
Yes, I felt better...for a while...and that's the point, I know...but dangit, I needed answers! Not just to feel better! (See the bitterness creeping in!?! Yeah, I got there...many times..I am able to battle through most of it..but some is still there).
God knows I love him...I work my tail off to trust him....And I do...a heck of a lot more than I used to, but not as much as I should sometimes...but, I don't take as much into my own hands as I used to...but that fear and insecurities keep me from reaching out too (for the things he wants me to do)...which I know can make things worse too
Again...all of this is spilling out because this last week & a half to two weeks...THAT THING has popped up...I want to reach....God, do I want to reach and have it there....I keep asking where is it? Is this what I should look for? I know this would be great!
May not be what you're thinking...So, don't assume, as much as you'd like to.....
Because chances are, I will tell you, none of your business....and/or that is between me and my God.
Because I don't need any more discouragement in my life. I've had enough of that.
When I bring things up, sometimes, I get people who say they love me, tell me WHY I SHOULDN'T..
So, I'm done talking to those people (people period, unless God has lead me to it)...and I rarely do.
Plus, I don't like [overly] judgmental/critical people and as I get older, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with that and wanting to shout: SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY! GEEZ!..
but I don't..
I just find myself pulling further and further away from those people...
which does what?
Isolate me more than I already am! I find my impatience with things are shifting.
Where I just never had patience for waiting, well, that has increased a bit more, especially over the last, well, near 5 years (my patiently waiting is a TAD bit better, struggle with it still, but I do notice a small difference).
Living where I do, has taught me that.
Even though a different type of impatience creeps up..I've learned to bear a lot that I never thought I could before, but I also realized, the things I used to tolerate in others, or even found in myself....?
DRIVE ME NUTS!
So, I started trying to shift my own priorities, my life and begin to boot those who don't shift with me & that I feel do me more harm than good. Some, I haven't booted yet because, well, if I do, sigh....well, I guess that'll come when it's time because I can feel it coming...but it's not quite time yet...even though many times, I have wanted to so many times because I am tired of the things I see/notice.....but then I get a: NOT YET! WAIT!! (And even when it's time, if it comes, I know I am not to completely cut)
Oh, what was I saying? Oh yeah, why I don't tell people things...ahem....so, I digress and move on...
I don't tell people things I find TRULY important. When I don't want people knowing my business beyond that one person I told (or thought about telling)? I don't open my mouth! If I want to talk about it....I put it out there...in public...Most times...On Facebook. But even then, what you see...may only be .00001% of what is REALLY going on (and I may have been dealing with it for WEEKS or even MONTHS before I even said anything at all)
Now...back to doing what I know God has been telling me to do (I keep getting off track).
Get up. Fight. Work. Fix You. Look to ME!
Yep. They're there....They'll trip me up...until they can't any more...or becomes few and far between.
And well....THAT THING....I pray that what I am seeing, day dreams and dreams at night...God is showing me what I need, want, desire, would love to have and pray that I get and more beyond what I can ever even imagine and have been in imagining (all in nothing but the positive of course!)!
Sooner rather than later but not before I'm ready and not before THAT THING and OTHER THINGS are ready to receive me! (again, do NOT assume you know what THAT or OTHER THINGS means...you MIGHT be off base...and if you want to ask....read that part again about it being none of your business. This is MY vent and release..I do it how I CHOOSE!)
My Healing begins & Continues:
What helps me with the healing. Especially when I feel I need to do it. God calls me to turn certain songs on or go to my specific Pandora 'station' that I just need to hear him, cry, whatever I need to do. These are just a few.
I love his whole CD but this song and at least one other one, is always being replayed, according to what I need in that moment. I needed Kevin Ross in my life...I had heard of his CD earlier this year, but didn't listen to it all right away, but, when it was time for me to hear it, I was sucked in & it has not let me go yet!